COLD TOES

Cold toes. Frost on the ground. Warm clothes, including shoes with toes enclosed, are in Michigan. I am 2000 or so miles away in Washington – western Washington. We arrived mid summer, and now autumn is advancing at an alarming rate especially for my freezing sandal clad toes.

Except for time spent traveling to doctor appointments, waiting first in a large glass walled room with a stunning view of Union Lake and then in a collection of small white rooms each with a bed and lots of medical equipment followed by time spent traveling back home after the appointments, our days are a collage of babies cooing and crying, growing and getting ready to walk plus mundane household duties and activities. When the babies are napping or otherwise occupied, my eyes burn from too much time spent staring at the computer monitor letting facebook and the e edition of the Ludington Daily News give me news of home.

Plus, we watch movies and various offerings such as Food Channel programs and … other stuff … on an enormous flat screen TV, something not done by us back in Michigan. Okay. I confess. Who’d ever guess that this grandma would spend more than a few seconds watching sweat drenched barefoot pairs of men grappling and kicking each other in an octagonal cage surrounded by screaming observers? UFC.  I’d never heard of it before this visit to stay with Sarah and Justin. I might be losing my grip, folks. Yet, in my defense, I am really into fight metaphors at the moment. These fights with their strategies and their dramas of man to man combat seem to help me visualize my fight with an unseen enemy. The gooey morass of worry, apprehension, and anxiety that tries to punch me and keep me from using my weapons which are the words of God have some similarities to the battles fought by these UFC barefoot, sweat smeared warriors. And,  I yell, “Hey! It’s not fair to kick, is it?”

Cold feet.  That’s what the majority of the Hebrew spies had after they scoped out the Promised Land and found not only blessings and abundance but giants. Dang! Those pesky giants are EVERYWHERE! As recorded in Numbers 13:1 -14: 11 and Deuteronomy 1: 19 – 40, the Hebrew spies came back from their promised land foray convinced that the giants were too big, in fact, too big for God to handle as he had promised he would. So, the Hebrew spies and the Hebrew nation, except for two spies, Joshua and Caleb, tapped out.  UFC followers know this is a sometimes subtle but always sadly submissive sign of surrender to an opposing force. It is quietly acknowledging that enough is enough! It is white flag time. It is time to quit and head back to the desert because the giants are just too big and scary. It is having cold feet and using those feet to retreat. At this point in UFC, the other guy wins. The giants triumph!

Some may want non metaphorical information, so I will be blunt. The giants we face are growing tumors, especially one honking mega monster jutting from Robert’s chest just under the skin. It has now popped the skin and is oozing evil brews. New tumors are daily popping up under the skin throughout Robert’s body. The tumors inside his lungs are probably also growing as the painful pressure has increased. He has lost enough weight now so as to look frail. Also, the fearful, anxious thoughts are coming on like multiple chin punches and body jabs. Bam! Bam! Bam!

I see giants every day and hear them in Robert’s groans at night. Hence, I now better understand the terrified Hebrews than I did in our pre diagnosis era. Reading this Old Testament story in the past, I’ve always inwardly sneered at the dull of spirit and fearful Hebrews. “What’s with you guys? How could you have been so stupid? You should have just trusted God and looked back to the miracles he previously performed for you! Duh! Scaredy cats!”  Now I see how giants can make one want to run for the hills. The giants, with their utter presence and enormity, can make one get cold feet. Then, frozen with fear and forgetting the promises of an all powerful God, one will want to tap out and end the battle.

Okay. So we’ve gotten the snot beaten out of us the first several rounds. Are we ready to tap out? Are we ready to head to the desert because God is not mighty enough to take on these huge giants we see every day? Are we ready to say that God cannot be trusted and is not able to perform that which he has promised?

NO! NO! A thousand times NO! Cold toes or not! NO!

Even as I write this, our faith grows to meet the challenge. Robert with his raspy voice and I discuss the verses in Philippians 1 – To live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet, what shall I choose? I am torn between the two!  I desire to depart and be with Christ which is better by far, but it is more necessary that I remain with you in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and I will continue…. We simply cannot chose to end this battle with a tap out. Bloody and sweaty, we rise from the mat and yell at our opponent, who I am convinced is God’s opponent as well, “Surely our Lord Jesus took up our infirmities and carried our diseases (Matthew 8:17) …, and by his wounds, we are healed! (Isaiah 53:4)

Then, raspy voice or not and cold toes tingling with expectation, we sing that wonderful Kim Walker song lyric, “Suddenly, I am unaware of afflictions eclipsed by glory…oh, how he loves us so!”